Throughout my life I have come to points where I have left the past behind. It never really goes, clinging to your coat tails and biting back when it gets the chance. That has never been a chip on my shoulder as I have always taken responsibility for my actions.
I realise though, especially now, that the past defines you but doesn’t own you. You cannot escape from it but you should embrace it, learn from it and only by releasing the demons of fear of exposure will you be free of it. Skeletons in the cupboard are always found out, and the greater the investment in the cupboard will bring a greater price when discovered.
I have wasted to much time enslaved by my past, hiding it from exposure, paranoid about exposure. Although I would move on and reinvent myself, I never dealt with it and this affected my honesty with many of those who shared my journey at times.
“You have a wall around you” she complained. All the she’s complained and they were right. They only got so far and that was it. I couldn’t see it then, it was just a natural reaction for me. It wasn’t till the death of the father that the anger arose from within and reveled itself that I could see where it had developed. Seeing it allowed me to consider dismantling it.
With the Wall dismantled there is nothing to contain the past. I have heard it say that the prisoner will get released after he’s served his time, but his guard is there for life. So with the dismantling of the wall I remove the fear of whatever I put the Wall up to protect me from. Confronting this without prejudice or intellectualism is necessary to release it from my coat tails and make sure I won’t be bitten by it again.
By that I mean that our thoughts are molded from our past, our prejudices are based on our viewpoint and our viewpoint is skewed to pander to the Wall. The Wall is the controller, big brother, Orwell’s 1984. It is my fear and behind it I indulge in the illusion that I am safe. But I am simply serving a sentence, doing time.